I keep having to remind myself that an "oral history" is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?

Open books don’t get judged by their covers.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

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