@13spencer

I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

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@NeinQuarterly

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@SaltyCorpse

Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?

@calvinstowell

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

@stevevsninjas

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@iwearaonesie

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@BeeeejEsq

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.