Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.