I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Anyone want a chair?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast