I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.