*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.