I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
#parenting
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system