I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.