I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.