I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Seek kebab; not attention
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”