@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

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@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

@RamblingMachine

If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.

@rickkondell

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@PwrFulWmn

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

@tastefactory

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

@animadvertguy

1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.

1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.

2016: IM OFFENDED!

@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

@E_lok44

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor