*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
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An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.
1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.
2016: IM OFFENDED!
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor