I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook


If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.


My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…


MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*


My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.


‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’


The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.