I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
being a writer on Twitter:
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I don’t think my car can fly
Sheep
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us