@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

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@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@Robert_Beau

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

@MCaparco

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@CatsVsHumanity

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

@Ideal_Victoria

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

@tuckerflodman

Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!

“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”