I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

You Might Also Like


My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.


The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what


Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.


him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb


When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.


Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!


Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!

“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”