My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!
“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”