I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Unexpected Judgment
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies