I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?