At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
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We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Sunday
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.