I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

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I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?


A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.


Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.


“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters


ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*


[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]


Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are