I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are