I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.