I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay