I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.


My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…


Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.


Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.


I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.


me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong


[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex


Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.


16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam


* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead