I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

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[First Date]

M: Hi!

Him: Hi, I’m Chandler, I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

M: Oh really? *winks*

H: You look beautiful today.


me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now


You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.


I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.


A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.


what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented


Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997