Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’
16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead