Him: Hi, I’m Chandler, I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.
M: Oh really? *winks*
H: You look beautiful today.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“What’s your greatest weakness?”