I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds