I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Beware…..
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow