@Donna_McCoy

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

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@TweetPotato314

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@_Tempo11

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

@PetrickSara

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

@actualhuman01

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating