[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Primary cause of death: Eaten
Primary cause of death: Eating