Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
live long and prosper!
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.