I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

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My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”


y’all be gatekeeping weird shit like bro just tell me where u got that air fryer from


Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.


My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable


guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?


Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?


Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry


MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?


Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”