@Gooooats

I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

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@AliTheAnsari

My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”

@k4shluver

y’all be gatekeeping weird shit like bro just tell me where u got that air fryer from

@ValleyEric

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

@danadonly

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

@TheMichaelRock

Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?

@junejuly12

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”