I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?