I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.