Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.
*puts on layers of running gear*
*makes a ponytail*
*laces up sneakers*
*drives to McDonalds*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant