@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

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@JohnLyonTweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

@chopper4jk

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

@OrangeFact

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl ๐Ÿ˜‰

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

@caitiedelaney

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like โ€œweโ€™re already so in love!โ€ Just once I want a โ€œshe seems chill but weโ€™ll see what happensโ€

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

@ParasiteHilton

*โ€accidentallyโ€ drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have drโ€”

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

@capnwatsisname

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. Itโ€™s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. โ€œThis is not for you,โ€ says my cat.

@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS