@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

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@PinkCamoTO

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

@counterfeitingl

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

@JurassicPark2go

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

@juneohara65

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

@robfee

Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.

@hayes_t_r

*puts on layers of running gear*

*makes a ponytail*

*laces up sneakers*

*drives to McDonalds*

@alexisthenedd

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

@TheBoydP

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

@Rollmaninoz

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant