A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS