I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.


After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.


Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible


God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks


Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper


Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.


Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?


ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me