@shkeeber

I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

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@BlondAmbitionTO

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

@sagarcasm

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

@pittdave13

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

@ArfMeasures

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

@Adar79Angie

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@UnFitz

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me