Mad Max Arctic Road
You Might Also Like
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Nice try, poison.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.