I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.

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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.


Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*


WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?


GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.


If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.


Which came first: the chicken, the egg, or that guy with no control who said you should be flattered you made him finish so fast?


Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*


“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.