Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
You Might Also Like
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
When you’re here for the treats.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that