I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

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Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.


Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.


For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons


[tortoise arguing with his gf]
[6 minutes later]
are you going or not?


ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm


You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.


date: i like reading horoscopes

me: lol none of that is real idiot

date: um okay what do u do for fun

me: i play fantasy football


Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.


A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!


Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.