Why font matters.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo
Roses are red
Violets are blue
will be used
I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’