@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

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@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@Matt_The_1st

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

@KeetPotato

[tortoise arguing with his gf]
“FINE IM LEAVING”
FINE
[6 minutes later]
are you going or not?
“THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN”

@jonnysun

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

@leakypod

date: i like reading horoscopes

me: lol none of that is real idiot

date: um okay what do u do for fun

me: i play fantasy football

@cravin4

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

@dance_blessed

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.