I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.