TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
We cut our bangs at dawn.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I put the h in mysterious.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*