I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!

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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.


Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*


Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’


My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.


DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor



me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please


rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down


Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet