@Papa_Mex

I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!

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@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@iwearaonesie

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

@VisionBored1

Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read

@drinksmcgee

[First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.

@Oshungurl

Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@ArfMeasures

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

@genehunter1

My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist