1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist