i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
This was my dad’s browser history.
“and how does that make you feel?”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine