@1roomdisco

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

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@Gupton68

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

@david8hughes

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

@smithsara79

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

@TheRolo

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@salvages

Interviewer: would you you call yourself a hard worker?

Me:absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.