i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
Me: *throat-punches him*


23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?


I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.


“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”


Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward


My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.


Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?


I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.


Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.


UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.