@1roomdisco

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

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@MetteAngerhofer

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

@Burger_Time_

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

@sweetmomissa

Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.

@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

@ThatScoop

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

@JustDontBugMe

[God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

ANGEL: UMMM…

GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.

ANGEL: SIGH.

@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

@KentWGraham

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?