@1roomdisco

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

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@jctwritesstuff

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@LizHackett

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@decentbirthday

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@DaddyJew

Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

@FeelingMervis

UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.