I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle