@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

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@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

@hardlyrelevant

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

@respected_loner

just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating

@DaHess1

Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.

@BigJDubz

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

@pdxjohnny99

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.