Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating
Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.