“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?