I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
what kind of cook setting is this??
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”