I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.