@cjcapbt

I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn’t tear away ..

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@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

@okimstillhungry

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

@just1fool

Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.

@RuinMyWeek

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@therealeatwood

ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.

@AngryRaccoon2

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.