A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
You Might Also Like
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
One cake enters. No cake leaves.