I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.