In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.