@clichedout

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

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@L8yK8y

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

@copymama

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

@UncleDuke1969

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@GrantTanaka

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@Breadery

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.