I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
bout dat hot dog summer
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.