Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!