I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

You Might Also Like


Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me


whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro


[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone


A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.


[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you