I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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Sign of the day..
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*