GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
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You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven’t been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I just died ????????????????????
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”