I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
What my back needs
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Legend 🤣🤣
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
and this one
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*