@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

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@PresTightrhymes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

@DannyZuker

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

@sweetmomissa

Me: Alexa, take me back to a time before I said that stupid thing.

Alexa: which one?

Me: touché

@diaruba74

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

@mollzbenn

I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

@chris_witha_see

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

@EvilPandaX

Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?

@capnwatsisname

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!