I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.


me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man


mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this


[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.


[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?


I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”


Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.


Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.


Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.


I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.