Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: Alexa, take me back to a time before I said that stupid thing.
Alexa: which one?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!