@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

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@Darlainky

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

@ch000ch

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

@MarfSalvador

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

@JediGigi

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

@PatsATweetin

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@WilliamAder

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

@Xoolun

Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.

@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@terrill

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.