A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Him: Are you gonna kill me?
Him: Your mood swings. I figured today’s the day I die.
Him: *whispers* Please don’t hurt me.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.