“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don鈥檛 gossip.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn鈥檛 too fond of leaf blowers either. And don鈥檛 even get Nature started on car alarms.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma鈥檚 secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: Tie me up? That鈥檚 kinky
My Kidnapper: You鈥檝e made this awkward now
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can鈥檛 bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Jewel: 馃幖 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you鈥檙e ahead
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
馃槱馃槱馃槱
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
When people don鈥檛 drink coffee, it鈥檚 like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I鈥檓 stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
@funTweeters