@Knorg

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

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@dave_cactus

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

@Jamie1947

Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before

@PerfectPending

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

@ericsshadow

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

@TheToddWilliams

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away