[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.