@notfaizzy

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

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@InternetHippo

A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before

@Skoogeth

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

@mstern68

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@MeatyPunk

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

@dumbbeezie

Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas

@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!