I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.