A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
girl: tough guys are hot
*hawk lands on my bare arm*
I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas
My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!