I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year