I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??


Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time


jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.


Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.


50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.


I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow


All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried


I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.


ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?