@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

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@charliedelta7

I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@wettbutt

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

@simoncholland

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

@candace_9871

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@kacisuewho

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

@ParentEsq

Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.

@Death_Buddy

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

@sadvil

so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year