“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.