“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
when revenge coincides with naptime
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.