@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

- @ChaseMit

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@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

@peachesanscream

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

@simoncholland

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

@Dutch_50

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

@stevevsninjas

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

@tweetsbyrocket

millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

@mattZillaaaa

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

@Prof_Hinkley

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus