Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?