I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
me
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.