In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Isn鈥檛 it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
In my 20s: I鈥檓 gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don鈥檛 worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 馃檹馃徏
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.