You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
🔦🌙👣
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.