I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.


[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.


*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus*
Sleep tight precious angel


If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”


hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?


Treadmills were originally invented 200 years ago as a form of punishment


The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.


I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.


She said she liked being choked so I bought her a box of triscuits.