@SarahR_82

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

You Might Also Like

@roboticcrab

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

@MartaEffing

[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

@SCbchbum

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

@suecorvette

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

@LittleMissAngr1

I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.

@professorkiosk

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

@i_wantMyBiitch

Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.

@Gupton68

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”