I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?