I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

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[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button


[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!


My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.


if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years


I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.


Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer


Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.


Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.


Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”