Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus*
Sleep tight precious angel
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
Treadmills were originally invented 200 years ago as a form of punishment
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
She said she liked being choked so I bought her a box of triscuits.