Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.