i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Schrödinger’s cookie
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.