Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*
*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
Squirrels before girls.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit