if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Writing, She Murdered.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.